Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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