I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
