I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
