They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
