apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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