We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My ATM looks so different sober.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
