I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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