Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
