This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
