3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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