Who wears a wallet chain?!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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