You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
