I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
