That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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