After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need water and some morals
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