i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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