Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Pooping to opera.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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