you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
