I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
