I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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