haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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