We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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