Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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