A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
