Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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