Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
