I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
