brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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