He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
