Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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