I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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