sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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