Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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