I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
