we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
