Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
