I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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