not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
