Im at strip club and am horny
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
