I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
