I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He? As in you personified your dick?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
