Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
