Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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