Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
