I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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