my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
