i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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