I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Semen is not good for contacts.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
