you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
