My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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