Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
