my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
