I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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