I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
